This is what happens when I watch too much Food Network. I get all worked up. Worked up about people like Ina Garten.

Roar! You chap my ass, Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa! I can think of at least 10 reasons why, just off the top of my head:

1. She worked for the White House.
2. You know she worked for the White House because she finds a reason to mention it in every show.
3. She has every single kitchen appliance ever made, freely available and brand spanking new.
4. Her laugh could not be more artificial if it were explicitly spelled out on a cue card (”Ina, laugh now, it sounds like this when a human laughs: A-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh!”) and shown to her.
5. She writes her husband into the show, the only person on earth who is possibly more boring than she is.
6. At the end of every episode they make it look like the only thing she can talk about is her own cooking, as she reviews the entire menu and how everything was made with her pitiable dinner guests.
7. Her show assumes that the average person can reach into their fridge and find five or six independent varieties of lettuce available.
8. Her website sucks.
9. She did a whole season from France, because we can all use more guidance about how to shop in the street markets of Paris.
10. I hate her so much.

I could handle it when she had the first TV show.

I could deal with it when she started churning out cookbook after cookbook after cookbook.

I took it in stride when she got the next TV show, and the one after that.

Oh, and the talk show, which kind of blew my mind a little.  I won’t even make a fuss about how she was in FHM that one time, because holy crap, she did pretty well for herself there.

But now she has a magazine?  When the hell did that happen?  I know she’s nice and everything, and she looks really good sucking on a strawberry there, but when on earth did she ascend to Martha Stewart-level ubiquity?  Am I going to turn around in a few minutes and find her in my kitchen, laughin’ and jokin’ with people, and tellin’ me to take a big bite outta life?

Well.  Better to find Rachael cooking me a roast dressed like this than Martha Stewart, I guess.